Thursday, May 5, 2011

Aliens Invade Earth - Now What

Here is my comment to a blog post wondering if we could see an alien invasion before it happened.

Article -- > Could We See How Aliens Mine Asteroids - weird things

If you were an alien looking to harvest stuff for your alien overlords would you choose Earth to invade? My guess is we're probably the last place in the galaxy you would choose. For the following reason:

1. Our gravity makes it painful to get stuff off the planet. It takes a lot of energy to lift a kilo of anything into space.

2. Humans are extremely mean-spirited, suspicious, unfriendly, and prone to random and unprovoked violence. We can't even get along with each other let alone some strange being with seven legs and four arms. Furthermore, we take pleasure in hurting things - suffering is a kind of sport to us.

3. Humans are clever critters and can figure out complex systems and machinery. Accidentally lose one of yer Purple Plasma Gob Smackers - we'll find it, figure it out and use it against you.

4. Human beings are incubators of biologic and toxic agents. We literally spew bio-infection every time we breathe. Not to mention all of the toxins we excrete like mercury, arsenic, lithium - even salt. Humans are a mobile infection factory. Bring us aboard your space craft and the only way to get rid of the infection is to plunge the craft into the center of the sun. And even that is a maybe ..

5. Humans like radioactive stuff. We dig it up and then make it more radioactive. After that we let it sit in open pools of radioactive water.

6. Our God doesn't believe in you, therefore you do not exist. And if you exist then we must make you unexist to please our deity.

7. Your civilization will be seen as an untapped marketing resource. Soon you will be inundated with product placement, reoccurring revenue models and advertising events. Your offspring will be turned into zombies crying for the new Galactic Happy Meal.

8. We would never leave you alone. Constant communication - 24/7 information - we would demand that you entertain us. Appearances on Letterman, Leno and the Daily Show would be required.

9. Humans love to lie. You could never trust anything we ever told you. Also, we would tell lies about one alien to another alien. It wouldn't be long before our lies caused the Great Galactic War.

10. Even if you got rid of all the humans, there would still be all of our stuff left behind. It wouldn't take long before that stuff became such a distraction that no work got done at all. Just a whole bunch of aliens trying to figure out how to get to the next level of Angry Birds.

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