Hello - Is it me you're looking for?

Can you name all the movies in the compilation?

Hello from Matthijs_Vlot on Vimeo.

Vice - The Westminster Dog Show... On Acid!

Dare to Fight

There is something about this particular gorilla theater that I find really magnificent. We've all wanted to live out some secret life as a ninja and just for a moment forget our mundane life.


Improv in Toronto

Iron Irony

I woke up this morning and suddenly understood the iron.

Copyright 2012 Cram

Unavoidable Anxiety

 

Every day the same thing ..

Kmuzu Mustache

Some of my loyal EiMB have asked what I looked like with a mustache .. so here it is ..

Still have not finished Phantom Crapper Part II .. so enjoy this instead ..

Lunch Money

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

 This is part one ..

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

This is a true Las Vegas story. In the summer of 1982, I was a lifeguard for the Riviera Hotel & Casino and a public pool called Cragen, which was next to Hyde Park Junior High School, near Valley View and Charleston. The Riviera gig was pretty awesome. I met rock stars like Steve Perry and Andy Gibb and made more money in tips in one summer than my mother made all year as an elementary school teacher. The public pool gig was not as much fun or glamorous.  How do I put this? Large groups of children are loathsome, disgusting creatures that smell like rusted pennies.

At the city pool, Tuesday was Daycare Day. This is where convoys of short buses filled to the roof with screaming children pull up to the gate entrance and like a garbage truck dump them into the murky, chlorinated waters of the shallow end. The pool was writhing with twisting, squirming, thrashing bodies. It looked like throngs of eels mating on the National Geographic Channel. 

You can read the whole story for free - just click here --->  The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

Part II should be ready in a couple of days ...

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentine's Day .. My own little comic .. called Death (by chocolate) Star.

Copyright 2012 Cram/Kmuzu. All rights reserved.

Motivating Cats

Okay, I'm driving my daughter to school and this enormously fat, grey cat bounds across the street, in front of my bumper and then to the sidewalk on the other side. Of course I immediately stop and the cat is fine. But when I start up again the cat starts running beside me. If I slow down the cat slows down; If I speed up the cat speeds up ... So, I stop and the cat stops - just sitting there.

I need to be clear, the cat is on the sidewalk - at least two meters to the side and about four meters in front of my car. I am in no way chasing the cat. But I gotta get my kid to school - so I'm like screw it and speed the car up to about 15 mph and the cat takes off in front. And I figure the cat needs exercise and I need to get to get going; so it's kind of win / win right?

We (the cat and I) get to an intersection and I think the cat is going to take a hard right and go up the other street - nope - the cat crosses the street and continues running. ... block and block after block. For about 3/4 of a mile.

Let me stress that I am NOT chasing the cat .. I was kind of motivating the cat .. sorta .. did I mention the cat was really fat. So slowly the cat is losing ground to the car until finally it just stops - okay collapses on the sidewalk.

I'm not telling you this as some sort of confession. I don't feel guilty (okay I feel a little guilty and a bit shameful) .. I am telling you this because if for some reason in the middle of the night, if I am attacked by some mysterious creature and all the authorities find of me is bloody scraps .. y'all know who the real culprit is ..

Throat Bite Dog

Went to the doctor and he asked me what was wrong. I opened my mouth and my tonsils jumped out and bit him on the neck. I think he may be infected .. not sure .. and so begins Day One of The Freaks of the Fiendish Face Gunk. Stay Tuned ..

Shut up - Listen and be Creative

Had a parent/teacher conference for my daughter who is in 5th grade. Sitting there, I was transported back to when I was in elementary school. I never fit in. I couldn't sit, listen or follow instructions. My brain has always been in constant rebellion. Fortunately, it's not a tool user and can't escape the confines of my skull. Why is it that for 12 years you're trained to be quiet and do exactly what you're told and then on the last day at graduation, they tell you to be independent and creative?

My Improv

This is my experience doing improv - so far.

Somebody's Calling Me

I hate the phone. I mean I really hate the whole technology of telecommunication. I just want to take a bat and smash my phone into little tiny bits and then throw it down the garbage disposal along with a picture of Alexander Graham Bell.

The prefix that I live in must be very susceptible to telemarketers. Actually my neighborhood is quite diverse. I'm only one of three white guys. The rest are (in order of greatest number) Filipino, Chinese, Mexican, Hawaiian and Tongan. Everyone is very friendly and helpful and I can't seem to think of any of them being particularly gullible - unless it has to do with Spam (Hawaiians and Tongans are nuts for the canned meat).

Maybe I'm the target. Probably, it's because I signed up for a free vacation in 1987 and my name and number have been rotating through the infomercial cycle ever since.

I must receive at least fifteen calls a day from telemarketers. Usually, they don't even have the common curtsey to put their name on the caller ID. Most times it just says, "Florida" or "Nebraska". There are some who put their own subliminal message on the ID like, "Pick UP" or "Accept Accept Accept".

Doesn't matter if I put my name on some national do-not-call list or if I scream at the telemarketer person - they just keep on calling.

I beg you Lords of the Wire, please stop the calling .. please go away and leave me to my misery.

Cowboy Kmuzu

Wanted to get some writing done, but ended up drawing myself as a cowboy. This is how my life is these days.

Was inspired by some artist I saw the last days of a Borders books store.

Click to enlarge

Copyright 2011 Cram/Kmuz

Things I Hate

 - I hate that over-dramatized sound of beer being poured into a glass in those commercials during football games.

- I hate the word "Gianormous". It's either Giant or Enormous.

- I hate it when some lady argues over a 35 cent coupon in the speed checkout line.

- I hate gymnasts who park in the handicap space.

- I hate when people use "loan" as a verb - like - "Loan me the money." It's "lend" you fool.

- I hate taking a poop in a toilet with no water - a dry toilet bomb.

- I hate people who "wingman" me for six miles on the freeway.

- I hate that there's no warning label of extreme flatulence on Fiber One cereal boxes.

- I hate that one McFish sandwich in the refiderator will make everything smell like McFish.

- I hate when a person I've seen a few times and clearly recognizes me, pretends they don't.

- I hate people who think that all my problems stem because I don't pray.

- I hate when men use the base of a cold beer bottle to cool their testicles, thus giving the impression the bottle is now their penis.

- I hate that people think Call of Duty is a game.

- I hate people who protest the destruction of our environment with one hand clenched in a fist and the other holding a mocha latte from Starbucks.

- I hate that people think the The Star-Spangled Banner is from the Revolutionary War.

- I hate that my toenails grow in weird directions.

- I hate that I have primitive feet.

- I hate kilts at weddings. I mean you're not all that ..

- I hate when my whole leg goes completely numb because I've been playing Zombie Gunship on the toilet too long. Then when I stand up, I immediately fall into the sink, dropping my iPhone into the toilet.

- I hate when men make a football reference when they're feeling uncomfortable about the masculinity of their environment.

- I hate being told, "Don't talk to me" while doing improv.

- I hate when a crazy person comes up to me on the street, pretends his hand is a gun and shoots me.

- I hate when people don't know the difference between "oral" and "verbal".

- I hate touching someone else's keyboard or mouse.

- I hate using a friend's bathroom and there's a dirty magazine on the floor.

- I hate when my father needs help on the computer.

- I hate Twilight.

- I hate that everyone thinks that Harry Potter is all that and don't realize it's just a derivation of "The Once and Future King", which is a vastly superior book.

- I hate people who jog in Las Vegas when it's a 110 degrees.

- I hate when an eighteen-year-old Mormon Missionary tries to tell me the meaning of life. Really .. and he's from some small town in Idaho.

- I hate poor people who think that one day they'll be rich.

- I hate rich people who never were poor.

- I hate when telemarketing companies use "ACCEPTCALL" as their caller ID.

- I hate people who blast a wet, uncovered sneeze in the air while walking directly in front of you.

- I hate when women put their open hand on their chest when they hear something nauseatingly sentimental.

- I hate people who smell their food.

- I hate people who think paintball is like real war.

- I hate the Pain Scale Faces.

- I hate undiagnosed rashes or lumps

- I hate the prefix - UBER

- I hate the smell of a stainless steel bowl after you scrubbed it clean.

- I hate the smell of small children after they've been running around the playground all day. They smell like rusted pennies.

- I hate that I'm slowly going bald. I wish my skull would make up it's mind.

- I hate when something awful gets stuck under my fingernail.

- I hate when I forget someone's name and I end up calling them dude or guy, cause I am too embarrassed to ask.

- I hate when people try to explain their painting or picture to me. "Step back Chief and let me take a look without your biased bullshit."

- I hate that people think that Ruth Chris Steak House is fine dining.

- I hate that waiters always push alcohol with every meal. Like getting drunk is going to mask the awfulness of this crap shack.

I hate MS

Copyright 2011 Cram / Kmuzu - All rights reserved.