Hello - Is it me you're looking for?

Can you name all the movies in the compilation?

Hello from Matthijs_Vlot on Vimeo.

Vice - The Westminster Dog Show... On Acid!

Dare to Fight

There is something about this particular gorilla theater that I find really magnificent. We've all wanted to live out some secret life as a ninja and just for a moment forget our mundane life.


Improv in Toronto

Undelivered Delivery

Undelivered Delivery - So I ordered a bed from Sam's Club. It was supposed to be delivered from 8am to noon. I called them at 2:00 pm. They told me they could not possibly make it to my house until maybe 8pm .. if not then it would have to wait until next week.

Copyright 2012 Cram

Iron Irony

I woke up this morning and suddenly understood the iron.

Copyright 2012 Cram

Dreaming in Kubrick

I found myself in The Shining the other night. I hate when I find myself in a Kubrick film.

Copyright 2012 Cram

Unavoidable Anxiety

 

Every day the same thing ..

Kmuzu Mustache

Some of my loyal EiMB have asked what I looked like with a mustache .. so here it is ..

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

 This is part one ..

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

This is a true Las Vegas story. In the summer of 1982, I was a lifeguard for the Riviera Hotel & Casino and a public pool called Cragen, which was next to Hyde Park Junior High School, near Valley View and Charleston. The Riviera gig was pretty awesome. I met rock stars like Steve Perry and Andy Gibb and made more money in tips in one summer than my mother made all year as an elementary school teacher. The public pool gig was not as much fun or glamorous.  How do I put this? Large groups of children are loathsome, disgusting creatures that smell like rusted pennies.

At the city pool, Tuesday was Daycare Day. This is where convoys of short buses filled to the roof with screaming children pull up to the gate entrance and like a garbage truck dump them into the murky, chlorinated waters of the shallow end. The pool was writhing with twisting, squirming, thrashing bodies. It looked like throngs of eels mating on the National Geographic Channel. 

You can read the whole story for free - just click here --->  The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

Part II should be ready in a couple of days ...

Typical French Wine

Copyright 2012 Cram/Kmuzu

I've been feeling like French wine lately.

Valentine Warning

I shall give unto you a Valentine **Warning**. Be extremely careful of Lawn Gnomes - especially this time of year. I can hear y'all saying, "Garden Gnomes - dem cute little statues me Nan puts in da garden?"

YES! .. like many things we do in the modern world, we have no idea of their roots. And Garden Gnomes are the most dangerous and ancient of them all. Before the great Roman Emperor Constantine established the Catholic Church, Romans worshiped a terrible God named Priapus. He was the god of fertility. More to the point, he was the act of fertilization.

To the Romans, sex was all the same - humans, animals, plants .. even gods and Priapus was over it all baby .. yea .. So down and dirty were the Romans about this god, I could only find one picture suitable to post .. and that is from the waste up. I can hear you asking, "Well, that's all fine and good, but where do the lawn gnomes come in?" According to Brian Sewell, famed British art critic and historian .. lawn gnomes were originally little statues of Priapus, that pagans put in their garden to increase fertility.

At night the little god become very lascivious and would go around and start .. doing the "wild thang" with .. well .. everything .. remember the Romans did not see a difference .. Now I have to be careful here .. this is the dangerous part .. When a female was a certain age and a virgin, she was encouraged to go at night and see the gnome. The little creature, who was the embodiment of Priapus wore a special hat that was pointed at the top. Now I will go no further, but I think it might now become evident why lawn gnomes have red hats ..

So BEWARE!! It's all fine a well for our Nannas to have these creatures in their gardens .. but not all of us should partake in this ancient magic .. even if we do like a good crop of cucumbers ...

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentine's Day .. My own little comic .. called Death (by chocolate) Star.

Copyright 2012 Cram/Kmuzu. All rights reserved.

Motivating Cats

Okay, I'm driving my daughter to school and this enormously fat, grey cat bounds across the street, in front of my bumper and then to the sidewalk on the other side. Of course I immediately stop and the cat is fine. But when I start up again the cat starts running beside me. If I slow down the cat slows down; If I speed up the cat speeds up ... So, I stop and the cat stops - just sitting there.

I need to be clear, the cat is on the sidewalk - at least two meters to the side and about four meters in front of my car. I am in no way chasing the cat. But I gotta get my kid to school - so I'm like screw it and speed the car up to about 15 mph and the cat takes off in front. And I figure the cat needs exercise and I need to get to get going; so it's kind of win / win right?

We (the cat and I) get to an intersection and I think the cat is going to take a hard right and go up the other street - nope - the cat crosses the street and continues running. ... block and block after block. For about 3/4 of a mile.

Let me stress that I am NOT chasing the cat .. I was kind of motivating the cat .. sorta .. did I mention the cat was really fat. So slowly the cat is losing ground to the car until finally it just stops - okay collapses on the sidewalk.

I'm not telling you this as some sort of confession. I don't feel guilty (okay I feel a little guilty and a bit shameful) .. I am telling you this because if for some reason in the middle of the night, if I am attacked by some mysterious creature and all the authorities find of me is bloody scraps .. y'all know who the real culprit is ..

Animals eating like humans

In celebration of almost reaching 50k I present to you my video creation of animals eating like humans synced to Freak Magnet by the Violent Femmes.

Enjoy and thank you ..

Pythagasaurus

He knows all eight numbers ..

Comic Convention

Attending the Las Vegas comic book festival was an equal mix of euphoria and shame.

I'm considering giving up communicating with people altogether. I'm just no good at it. I think I'll become one of those monks living in a some desolate monastery. Just me in a small stone room - alone - with my Xbox and PS3 .. and my iPhone of course .. and my PC and .. Kindle .. smoothie machine, toaster oven (for HotPockets) but that's it .. alone .. just me .. and a refrigerator full of diet Dr. Pepper and my Nintendo DS. Alone .. all alone .. with my iPad.

Roid Monster

The doctor gave me steroids to help with my upper respiratory funk .. and I guess it's working. But now I have this strange compulsion to run through the streets, howling at the neon lights and raking the skies with my withered claws. The moon .. she calls to me ... she calls to me ..

Throat Bite Dog

Went to the doctor and he asked me what was wrong. I opened my mouth and my tonsils jumped out and bit him on the neck. I think he may be infected .. not sure .. and so begins Day One of The Freaks of the Fiendish Face Gunk. Stay Tuned ..

Less than a feeling.

I woke up this morning with a unsettling and odd feeling ... I think some people call it happy. Perhaps I should go back to bed and see if will go away.