Friday, September 2, 2011

What the Telemarketer Heard

Last night I killed my computer. I was playing a little World of Warcraft when a telemarketer called. Now I have MS, which causes this condition called "Startle Reflex". Basically, I jump out of my skin at any loud noises.

I just finished talking to a friend and placed the phone back onto the receiver when it immediately started ringing. For some reason, this startled me and my hand flung to the side knocking the phone off the hook and flinging a full can of diet Dr. Pepper off the table and onto the top of my computer.

It was a perfect shot. The can was completely upside down over the top fan, wedged between two plastic rims. About 8 oz of soda, drained into the fan. The fan sprayed the liquid all over the motherboard, until it shorted out. The liquid then poured into and out of the CPU, then across the memory and the video card and finally pooling in the power supply.

There was a shrill beep, some sparks and smoke and that was it. By the time, I got out of my chair and to the computer it was dead.

The phone was off the hook and the telemarketer heard the whole thing. This is the event from the telemarketer's perspective:

Ring - The phone is off the hook and there is a large crash.

(I've replaced all the swear words with something more PG rated)

(Another large bang)
Me:   "Fudge .. oh my God .. oh Fudge, Fudge, Fudge .. Fudge, Shucks, Fudge"
Telemarketer:  Hello .. Hello ..
(There is another large bang, as I am trying to quickly get up from my chair to the computer)
Telemarketer:  Hello - may I speak with ..
Me:  Oh my God, what have I fudgein' done. Are you alright baby?"
Telemarketer:  "Hello, is everything okay?"
Me:  "Come on baby, fudging speak to me. Please .. please .. don't fudging do this. God, shucks darn it, I think I killed you."
Telemarketer: "Sir, are you there?"
Me: "God darn it. How could I've been so stupid? I didn't mean it baby, please be okay." (another bang as I tip the computer over, diet Dr. Pepper pours out all over the floor) "Shucks, Fudge, Muther Fudger, I've stained the whole fudging carpet. Now, I've done it. The whole fudging carpet is fudging ruined. How am going to get that fudging stain out?"
Telemarketer: "Ah sir."
Me: "Fudge, this is just fudging perfect. I can't pay for this man."
(I notice the phone off the hook and remember it was the call that caused this whole thing to happen. I grab the receiver.)
Me: "Who the fudge is this?"
Telemarketer: "Is everything okay."
Me: "No, everything isn't fudging okay. She's dead and it's your fault. What's your fudging name?"


I went to Fry's Electronics this morning and replaced almost all of the components to my computer. Fortunately, the hard drives were not damaged.

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Please keep everything PG or under or else I'll sick Elvis on you.