Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine Warning

I shall give unto you a Valentine **Warning**. Be extremely careful of Lawn Gnomes - especially this time of year. I can hear y'all saying, "Garden Gnomes - dem cute little statues me Nan puts in da garden?"

YES! .. like many things we do in the modern world, we have no idea of their roots. And Garden Gnomes are the most dangerous and ancient of them all. Before the great Roman Emperor Constantine established the Catholic Church, Romans worshiped a terrible God named Priapus. He was the god of fertility. More to the point, he was the act of fertilization.

To the Romans, sex was all the same - humans, animals, plants .. even gods and Priapus was over it all baby .. yea .. So down and dirty were the Romans about this god, I could only find one picture suitable to post .. and that is from the waste up. I can hear you asking, "Well, that's all fine and good, but where do the lawn gnomes come in?" According to Brian Sewell, famed British art critic and historian .. lawn gnomes were originally little statues of Priapus, that pagans put in their garden to increase fertility.

At night the little god become very lascivious and would go around and start .. doing the "wild thang" with .. well .. everything .. remember the Romans did not see a difference .. Now I have to be careful here .. this is the dangerous part .. When a female was a certain age and a virgin, she was encouraged to go at night and see the gnome. The little creature, who was the embodiment of Priapus wore a special hat that was pointed at the top. Now I will go no further, but I think it might now become evident why lawn gnomes have red hats ..

So BEWARE!! It's all fine a well for our Nannas to have these creatures in their gardens .. but not all of us should partake in this ancient magic .. even if we do like a good crop of cucumbers ...

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