Showing posts with label crap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crap. Show all posts

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

 This is part one ..

The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

This is a true Las Vegas story. In the summer of 1982, I was a lifeguard for the Riviera Hotel & Casino and a public pool called Cragen, which was next to Hyde Park Junior High School, near Valley View and Charleston. The Riviera gig was pretty awesome. I met rock stars like Steve Perry and Andy Gibb and made more money in tips in one summer than my mother made all year as an elementary school teacher. The public pool gig was not as much fun or glamorous.  How do I put this? Large groups of children are loathsome, disgusting creatures that smell like rusted pennies.

At the city pool, Tuesday was Daycare Day. This is where convoys of short buses filled to the roof with screaming children pull up to the gate entrance and like a garbage truck dump them into the murky, chlorinated waters of the shallow end. The pool was writhing with twisting, squirming, thrashing bodies. It looked like throngs of eels mating on the National Geographic Channel. 
You can read the whole story for free - just click here --->  The Phantom Crapper - Part One - ScribeSlice

Part II should be ready in a couple of days ...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Things I Hate

 - I hate that over-dramatized sound of beer being poured into a glass in those commercials during football games.

- I hate the word "Gianormous". It's either Giant or Enormous.

- I hate it when some lady argues over a 35 cent coupon in the speed checkout line.

- I hate gymnasts who park in the handicap space.

- I hate when people use "loan" as a verb - like - "Loan me the money." It's "lend" you fool.

- I hate taking a poop in a toilet with no water - a dry toilet bomb.

- I hate people who "wingman" me for six miles on the freeway.

- I hate that there's no warning label of extreme flatulence on Fiber One cereal boxes.

- I hate that one McFish sandwich in the refiderator will make everything smell like McFish.

- I hate when a person I've seen a few times and clearly recognizes me, pretends they don't.

- I hate people who think that all my problems stem because I don't pray.

- I hate when men use the base of a cold beer bottle to cool their testicles, thus giving the impression the bottle is now their penis.

- I hate that people think Call of Duty is a game.

- I hate people who protest the destruction of our environment with one hand clenched in a fist and the other holding a mocha latte from Starbucks.

- I hate that people think the The Star-Spangled Banner is from the Revolutionary War.

- I hate that my toenails grow in weird directions.

- I hate that I have primitive feet.

- I hate kilts at weddings. I mean you're not all that ..

- I hate when my whole leg goes completely numb because I've been playing Zombie Gunship on the toilet too long. Then when I stand up, I immediately fall into the sink, dropping my iPhone into the toilet.

- I hate when men make a football reference when they're feeling uncomfortable about the masculinity of their environment.

- I hate being told, "Don't talk to me" while doing improv.

- I hate when a crazy person comes up to me on the street, pretends his hand is a gun and shoots me.

- I hate when people don't know the difference between "oral" and "verbal".

- I hate touching someone else's keyboard or mouse.

- I hate using a friend's bathroom and there's a dirty magazine on the floor.

- I hate when my father needs help on the computer.

- I hate Twilight.

- I hate that everyone thinks that Harry Potter is all that and don't realize it's just a derivation of "The Once and Future King", which is a vastly superior book.

- I hate people who jog in Las Vegas when it's a 110 degrees.

- I hate when an eighteen-year-old Mormon Missionary tries to tell me the meaning of life. Really .. and he's from some small town in Idaho.

- I hate poor people who think that one day they'll be rich.

- I hate rich people who never were poor.

- I hate when telemarketing companies use "ACCEPTCALL" as their caller ID.

- I hate people who blast a wet, uncovered sneeze in the air while walking directly in front of you.

- I hate when women put their open hand on their chest when they hear something nauseatingly sentimental.

- I hate people who smell their food.

- I hate people who think paintball is like real war.

- I hate the Pain Scale Faces.


- I hate undiagnosed rashes or lumps

- I hate the prefix - UBER

- I hate the smell of a stainless steel bowl after you scrubbed it clean.

- I hate the smell of small children after they've been running around the playground all day. They smell like rusted pennies.

- I hate that I'm slowly going bald. I wish my skull would make up it's mind.

- I hate when something awful gets stuck under my fingernail.

- I hate when I forget someone's name and I end up calling them dude or guy, cause I am too embarrassed to ask.

- I hate when people try to explain their painting or picture to me. "Step back Chief and let me take a look without your biased bullshit."

- I hate that people think that Ruth Chris Steak House is fine dining.

- I hate that waiters always push alcohol with every meal. Like getting drunk is going to mask the awfulness of this crap shack.

I hate MS

Copyright 2011 Cram / Kmuzu - All rights reserved.